To see a feature and condensed version of our story, head to Lifetime Of Clicks Blog! Kelly took our newborn photos just days after Brooks was born and did a phenomenal job!
Something I’ve put off for a while is sharing this story. Not because it’s traumatic, or boring, or too personal, but simply because I didn’t think people would care to read it. I say that, and then I realize that I find myself reading the birth stories of other moms – women I don’t even know. Why is that? Probably because birthing a human is super interesting… especially those who are about to go through the terrifying process and want to know what to expect! In fact, I even found myself googling birth stories in the middle of the night in the final weeks of my pregnancy. It is somehow comforting to read about how somebody else accomplished what is seemingly the most anticipated and scary task you will experience in your life. So, today I share OUR story! It’s nothing super dramatic, but it is special to us and writing this for others to read is as much of a treat for me as I hope it might be for you!
Disclaimer – this story is long and raw in an attempt to not sugar coat our experience and keep it as real as possible. And while I tried to keep it somewhat brief, that is just so impossible when telling the story of bringing Brooks into the world. SO many thoughts and feelings surrounded this experience and it wouldn’t be a genuine depiction of his birth if I left them out. So, while at times TMI, here is our TRUE story!
Third time’s a charm! Or so we thought. Three times we were sent home from the hospital after being advised to go in assuming we were in active labor. One thing I learned during those final weeks of carrying Brooks’ is how much physical discomfort I will voluntarily allow myself to endure. Our story is not of one day, as Brooks’ arrival was much more drawn out and complicated than that. So, I’m going to start back at the beginning of our nearly 2-month period of “labor”.
It began on Bourbon street (and no, this is not the story of Brooks’ conception). I was 32 weeks pregnant and attending my best friend’s bachelorette party as my final trip before hunkering down at home and waiting for baby. It might sound crazy to go to a bachelorette party in NOLA in August being so pregnant, but when you have to miss your best friend’s wedding because her wedding day is your due date, you tough it out (with doctors’ permission of course)! So, there I am in my black bodycon dress and all my pregnant glory waltzing down bourbon street in a pack of 14 girls. All the while, Brooks is kicking up a storm inside me (I think he could tell we were on Bourbon… he is SO his fathers’ son). This is the night my contractions began. I had had plenty of sporadic and random “Braxton hicks” contractions before, but not yet the kind that followed any noticeable pattern. These were different, but I brushed them off as a result of lots activity and as being a “normal” part of the 3rd trimester. But when this continued for two days after returning home, I decided to run in to the doctor just to check on things! I casually taught two pure barre classes and drove myself by the doctor on the way home, all the while contracting. And I’m glad I did, because at 32 weeks I was beginning to dilate.
This was the first time we were admitted to the hospital – but far too early to safely deliver – so the goal was to stop him from coming. I was given steroid shots to expedite his lung development in the chance he did arrive premature, but the priority was to halt my contractions. We spent the next two days in and out of the hospital to stop pre-term labor and the reality that I might deliver prematurely began to settle in.
“You will be lucky to make it to 34 weeks…”
If you’ve ever been pregnant, you know the anxiety and fear that accompanies your growing belly. With each passing week comes a bit more relief that everything will be okay, but you are fearful to let your guard down. And then you enter the third trimester and are hit with a wave of relief – your baby is much bigger, stronger, and more resilient than he was in those earlier weeks and you can begin to relax while you prep the nursery without feeling like you will “jinx” something. By this time, and having no complications up until this point, I had finally settled into my “comfort zone”, so this new reality hit me like a ton a bricks. And so began the sleepless nights of googling stories of preemie babies while simultaneously expediting the baby prep that was still quite a ways from complete. I was placed on a modified bedrest (couldn’t even go on walks), and coupled with being grounded to my couch, my anxiety skyrocketed. As someone who had spent her pregnancy teaching pure barre and going on daily runs, this new sedentary life was so foreign and isolating. I began to feel myself change – instead of feeling like my “pregnant self”, I felt now like I was a human incubator, my body simply an oven, and it was my job to make sure all the dials I could control were set correctly. This was a LOT of pressure and I didn’t always handle it well.
The contractions didn’t stop. In fact, they continued at no more than 30 minutes apart, at times even getting down to 2-3 minute intervals. Our doctors prepared us to deliver prematurely, telling us that our goal was to get to just 34 weeks (about a month and a half early). So now we were in a race – a stressful, terrifying, but exciting race to get everything ready at home and to prepare ourselves mentally for the worst case scenario. We would be admitted to Labor & Delivery 3 times over the next month, and each time our sense of worry became a bit more exciting than scary as we knew Brooks was getting bigger and stronger. After several LONG weeks, we surprised all our doctors and arrived at term (37 weeks)! I was told I could come off “bed rest” and we could go into labor at any time.
One week later, we went in for our check up. Still no labor, though we were more than ready. Our doctor recommended that we induce if we made it past 38 weeks – I was extremely uncomfortable with continued frequent contractions and suffering from SPD (pubic bone separation that made it difficult and painful to walk). We were hopeful that we would be able to schedule an induction for early that next week, but upon arrival to the doctor we were informed that the hospital was backed up and we wouldn’t be able to schedule induction for several weeks. This meant that, unless I went into natural labor (which we weren’t holding our breath after 3 false alarms), I was looking at another MONTH of contracting and towing this little kickboxer around! So, we hung our heads and went about our regular check up. Strangely enough, my blood pressure was a little high. Not too high to be of big concern, but just high enough to monitor. So, we were told to go to the hospital to keep an eye on things. The doctor said that if my blood pressure remained high for a few hours we would likely be induced, so she gave us a wink and told us to stop by and grab a big, greasy breakfast on the way!
We’d been this way before – this was now our FOURTH time being sent into Labor & Delivery- so we weren’t holding our breath. Funny thing was, the night before our appointment Matt asked me if I was ready to have the baby tomorrow. I talked “sense” into him as I explained that there would be no way to have the baby tomorrow because we were still too early to induce (they wont voluntarily induce you until you are past 38 weeks, and we were still 2 days away from this mark). Still believing this to be so, we casually stopped by chic-fil-a and went inside to eat a big, greasy, unhealthy breakfast… more or less our last date as DINKS (especially true because this is the week my teacher salary ran out). We finished and made our way to the hospital, were admitted into L&D, and the nurses began to monitor both my contractions and blood pressure.
The first BP reading was STILL high. What?? I had never had high blood pressure!! I was half excited that this might mean we would be induced and half concerned about what this meant for Brooks’ and my health. Still convinced this was all a fluke, we kept our hopes low as the doctors continued to check my BP every 15 minutes. Each reading continued to be high – again, not TOO high to be super alarming, but still high enough to wonder what’s going on. Doctors and nurses were convinced that I had Preeclampsia, but with no other symptoms to show for it we went ahead and did blood work. All came back normal, so the high blood pressure that had lasted hours now was completely unexplained. In order to induce prior to 38 weeks there has to be a legitimate medical reason, but with normal blood work we were right on the fence. Unless my doctor thought it necessary to induce with this somewhat high blood pressure, we would be going home. So, the nurse left to call my doctor – she would decide our fate. The nurse came back in the room and said “well, looks like you’re going to have a baby today!” And SO many emotions erupted. Excitement, fear, stress, worry, so many things left to do!! I was on a kick of re-sealing our grout all over our floors over the past week, and I hadn’t finished yet!! Now I would NEVER get to it (still holds true…).
**SIDE NOTE – if you are nesting and have tile floors, cleaning and re-sealing grout is HIGHLY satisfying. The position of being on all fours when that pregnant feels SO good and can even help get the baby into the right position for labor! I made a mixture of dish soap, baking soda, water, and vinegar and scrubbed the grout with a toothbrush, watching all the foam turn brown… TALK about satisfying! Seriously, try it!
“Looks like you’re going to have a baby today!”
Within the hour, our doctor arrived and took our blood pressure once more before giving me Pitocin (the induction hormone). Suddenly, my BP was back down to a normal range where it would remain for the rest of our stay. I’m still convinced my randomly high blood pressure was divine intervention! I was given Pitocin at 2 PM and my contractions sped up quickly. The doctor said I could order an epidural whenever I’d like as it can take some time to get the anesthesiologist in the room. I figured I was so used to the contractions by this point having had them for 2 months straight that I could handle the pain for a bit longer. I thought to myself “how bad can it really be?” …how naïve of me. My doctor came in to break my water and it was like letting the bull out of the pen.
The pain – and frequency – of my contractions drastically picked up from here. It began to get so bad that I found myself so annoyed by everyone in the room. I was irritated by people talking about random things, like how the Astros were playing that night. HELLO, this is painful and everyone needs to shut up and focus on me! It was so bad that I was convinced I was dilated almost all the way – when I was only at 4 cm (10 cm is “all the way”). It was at this point I realized I’d better order the epidural before things get out of control. I really would have liked to be strong enough to deliver naturally, and I do think I could have done it, but I elected to make my experience as comfortable as possible and have no regrets about that. My epidural actually only numbed half of my body, so I could feel the pain and pressure in the other half to a degree. It was immensely painful and all I could think about is how much more excruciating it would be had I not been given the epidural. After experiencing just a hint of this immense pain, I am SO amazed at women who deliver naturally. That must take a strength I can’t even fathom… how tough the female body (and mind) is!
At about 9 PM (6 hours later), I was fully dilated and ready to start “pushing”. The doctor left the room for a brief moment and we had the room to ourselves – a special few moments alone before the chaos began. Matt grabbed my hand and led us in a prayer as tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t believe this was about to happen and that we were moments away from meeting our son!
As I pushed, I requested that Matt stay by my head. We had talked about this prior and, while he wanted to see everything, I asked him not to. Not that there is anything wrong with having your spouse watch the miraculous process, but I really just wanted to maintain a degree of privacy. Yes, this was our baby, but it was my body and just like I don’t keep the door open when I use the bathroom at home, I wanted to keep this a mystery too. Totally just my personal preference and there is no right or wrong way, but I believe it’s the little things – like shutting the door and putting on makeup, that help to maintain the attraction between you and your spouse, and to me this fell into that category. Of course there are moments of raw openness that you cannot control when you go through life with somebody, but this I could, and Matt respected that.
“It took ALL of me – my power, strength, and energy – to push him out…”
I pushed a handful of times – for 23 minutes total – and Brooks was here. With the epidural the pushing was not painful, but it was HARD. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever physically done. Harder than the most difficult workout, harder than lifting the heaviest weight. It took ALL of me – my power, strength, and energy – to push him out. Again, I’m still amazed at how women accomplish this while also experiencing an all-consuming pain. AMAZED. They plopped Brooks on my abdomen as Matt hurriedly ran over to cut the cord and that feeling is totally inexplicable. I hadn’t anticipated how complete and shocked and thrilled I was to feel the heavy, warm weight of my baby on my skin. He was MINE and I grew him inside me and now he was alive and laying on my stomach, needing me. I just can’t put how that felt into words, if you’re a mom you know it and if you’re not yet you’ll be totally surprised when you experience it for yourself.
Brooks was born on September 21st at 9:23 PM weighing 7 lbs and 10 oz at 19 inches long, and the moments after were the most amazing and overwhelming of my life. I was crying uncontrollably from all the emotion – and it was SO much emotion. After Brooks was examined and cleaned up (he had a bit of shoulder dysplasia), Matt and I were given our sweet boy back to snuggle skin-to-skin and alone for about an hour before we let our parents come in and meet him. We celebrated with champagne (sparkling cider for me) and SO much joy filled the room.
I loved everything about this day. It truly ties my wedding day as being the best day of my life. And that’s not just because it was the day I met Brooks, but because the entire day was just FUN. That might sound like a strange word to use to describe labor, but while uncomfortable, I truly enjoyed the whole process. It was so exciting, new, and everyone was so happy. My heart grew three times that day (can you tell it’s the week before Christmas) – and not just for Brooks, but for Matt too. I swear I fell in love with him all over again. His support, strength, and love for me was exactly what I needed to lean on that day. God was so clearly present with us in that room and I could feel his arms wrapped around us, magnifying the love we all felt for each other. We had just experienced a miracle, and our lives have since been given a new, much more powerful meaning.
Brooks’ story is unique, as are all of our stories of coming in to the world. While many go untold or are simply kept close to the heart, I’m thankful that my blog gave me a vehicle to write all of these feelings down as I’m not sure I would have had I not been encouraged to share. These past few months have pushed me far out of my comfort zone (much more than just physically) and I am proud of the mom I am and person I am becoming. But, I need to wrap this up because I’m looking at the baby monitor and duty calls!
Love,
Kelsie
