9 years of friendship, 8 years together, 2 years married. Those are our relationship stats, and contrary to the direction you think this post may be going, they don’t matter. If they did, preparing wouldn’t have been necessary because, well, those are pretty good stats! It would be naïve and foolish for us to assume that our foundation would carry us through parenthood successfully together. The truth is that parenthood shakes any house built, and while the foundation helps, it is certainly not enough support. While Matt and I have only been parents for 6 weeks now and are heavily in the midst of navigating our new roles, I’ve learned more about our relationship these past few months than I did in the first 8 years. Today I want to hit a topic that is currently close to my heart by sharing 5 guidelines to baby-proofing your relationship, because as much as I love an insta-worthy nursery (here’s Brooks’ nursery tour ) and stocked my freezer full of prepared meals, the most important thing to prepare in the months beforehand is your heart!
Bluntly stated, to enter into parenthood without having a plan or some heavy discussions beforehand would be simply irresponsible. And let’s face it, if you’re here reading this you have likely found yourself in a position where responsibility has just slapped you in the face (and if you don’t consider parenthood an enormous responsibility then you should stop reading now because you’re not going to like what I have to say). I’m not much of a planner, in fact I never even made the “birth plan” that any expecting mother will be asked about a million times before delivering. I do, however, recognize the importance of preparing for this enormous shift of lifestyle with my spouse. Inspired by our own trial and error, I’ve compiled a list of 5 ways to prepare your relationship for the pending motherload of amazing turmoil you are about to experience! If you and your spouse are able to “practice” the 5 guidelines below throughout your pregnancy, I am confident that these, in conjunction with prayer, will help you to lay a strong foundation for which to build a family, no matter what your “stats” are!
Before I detail these 5 guidelines, I want to preface by saying that we are still learning and did not perfectly execute all of the suggestions below. As in any relationship, we are continuously “practicing” ways to better serve and love one another. We often fall short, but having grace for one another during this time has been the most helpful tool at our disposal!
5 Guidelines to Baby-Proofing your Marriage / Relationship:
1. Show Genuine Gratitude for Mundane Tasks
Shortly after we were married, Matt and I began to fall in to our household duties – I do the cooking and laundry, Matt cleans up the dishes and takes out the trash. The weight of the tasks we carry around the house aren’t always equal, but they are fair. If you find yourself questioning how “fair” your dividend of house chores is, that is the first place to start, because to be genuinely grateful for your spouse’s service to you, you must genuinely believe it to be fair. However, having a fair distribution is only half the equation.
Once you and your spouse have established your “fair” weight of tasks (more on doing this below), do not expect that he/she uphold these because you do yours. Remember that each day your spouse makes a choice to serve you in these ways even though he or she may not want to do so. Showing that you recognize such selfless service with a simple and genuine “thank you” will go a long way in making your spouse feel noticed and appreciated. Yes they are just doing what they “are supposed to do”, but allowing yourself to expect these selfless acts instead of appreciating them will make it much more difficult to have grace on your partner when they fall short. Because they will fall short, especially when baby arrives, and so will you. Resentment and conflict are rooted in unmet expectations, so eliminate this variable by appreciating what they DO for you, and practice forgiveness when they DON’T. Additionally, the act of outwardly thanking your spouse for such tasks will help you to better notice what he or she does for you and will consequently grow your love and appreciation for them! Soon you will find yourself thanking each other for the smallest of things, even when you’re irritated, and this creates a tremendously healthy environment to foster a marriage and raise a family. Make this a habit now so that it is well established by the arrival of your little one!
2. Go On Walks
Read any “healthy pregnancy” article and it is advised that frequent walks be made a part of your routine. While walking is excellent for your physical (and frankly, mental) health, the real wonders it does is for your relationship with your spouse. Matt and I were never huge “walkers” prior to our pregnancy, we had dinner time to dive into conversation and left the TV out of our bedroom to encourage even more of this. Walks would simply replace the exercise time we valued, so we rarely enjoyed them. However, once I was told I could no longer work out I resorted to walks, and Matt joined. I didn’t realize at the time how fruitful this would be for our marriage. Our daily walks were 45 minutes of uninterrupted conversation while enjoying the outdoors (or in our case, 95 degree weather and 100% humidity). Sometimes we’d fight, sometimes we’d spill our anxieties and fears, lots of times we’d laugh, and a few times we’d just quietly stroll side by side with little more to discuss than the redundant “how was work”, but all of these conversations would have been missed had we not walked together.
You and your spouse may have many opportunities to have uninterrupted conversation – there’s dinner time, car rides, and pillow talk of course – but something about walking outside together for extended periods of time yields deeper and more meaningful conversation than the dinner table can spark.
3. Discuss Roles and Expectations Beforehand
The best advice we were given before the arrival of our son was not to “keep score”. Whether you are both working and equally splitting baby duties or if one of you is staying home full time, you and your spouse are now a team with a new common goal – to keep your baby alive! For the stay-at-home-mom (or dad), it is easy to feel overwhelmed by working “around the clock” and this is even more difficult to do if you feel like your weight of workload is unnoticed by your spouse. You may become more discouraged and resentful if you feel that your spouse does not recognize it as comparable work to theirs. On the contrary, for the spouse who works out of the home, you might feel that your spouse doesn’t recognize the stress associated with carrying such financial weight and simply see’s your work day as a chance to break free form the currently stressful home front. These thoughts can lead to “keeping score” with one another, and if you find yourself broadcasting each time you fulfill a baby/home duty, you may be participating in this dangerous game!
The good news is that you can free yourself from these damaging thoughts by being open about the roles you will assume once baby arrives and your expectations of what these roles will consist of. If you are both working, determine who will do what (making sure that both parties view their share of the weight as “fair”). If one of you will stay home, discuss what this will mean for caring for your new baby and how the working spouse will contribute when he or she is off the clock. Communicate your concerns and fears with one another beforehand so as to provide perspective before exhaustion clouds it. Prior to discussing our new roles, I had not considered the stress Matt felt when realizing he would become solely responsible for the financial support of our family. Understanding his new role from his perspective allows me to better approach disagreements and provide supportive relief, and vice versa. Feeling understood, appreciated, and loved is critical in a healthy relationship no matter what sort of stress happens to press upon it!
4. Establish Good Communication Habits
This one really could fill a book, but I’m certainly not qualified to do that so I’ll share what I’ve learned! Important for any stage of relationship, healthy communication takes practice. Many couples will recognize a need to work on their communication habits prior to getting married, or perhaps as a result of a traumatic argument (as in the case of 19-year-old Matt and I). But not everyone who has a baby finds themselves in a situation where they have had a reason to work on such skills, so I’m here to tell you that NOW is the time! If anything is going to test your ability to maintain healthy communication with your spouse, it’s a baby! Consider the following guidelines in communicating with your spouse and practice such guidelines throughout your pregnancy, holding each other accountable when you fall short! This way you will be prepared to tackle those 3 AM stress-fueled arguments with respect. These are not guidelines that I just picked off the internet, they are ones that Matt and I have so far established through trial and error and are still heavily in the midst of practicing ourselves.
Healthy Communication Guidelines
- Avoid passive aggressive comments – for example, don’t say “Mommy will change your diaper since daddy is pretending to not notice it!” Instead, be straightforward and ask your spouse to change the diaper if you could use the help!
- If something bothers you, bring it up – maybe not when you’re out in public, but at the next appropriate moment, get it out in the open and in the most respectful way possible. We all know how dangerous it is to let our irritations fester.
- Engage with your Spouse – when your spouse tells you something, even if you don’t really care about it (like who he picked for his fantasy team…sorry Matt), make an attempt to care about it by listening and genuinely responding to them. This shows them that while you might not care about fantasy football, you care about entertaining their interests and you notice the opportunities he or she makes to connect with you. When your spouse tells you something, he/she is reaching out to make a connection, and you have the choice to either accept or reject the connection. Choose to accept!
Sometimes, however, we fail at communicating and the result is an argument. Below are the guidelines Matt and I tend to follow in arguments, and when we don’t, they are much longer and more painful.
Healthy Argument Guidelines
- Don’t swear
- Avoid sarcasm
- Listen to each other before responding (avoid interrupting – so difficult I know!)
- Look at each other (no cold shoulder comments)
- Finish the discussion in due time – (I emphasize “due time” because sometimes this is not immediate. “Due time” depends on the couple! Some people need time to calm down before being capable of respectfully completing an argument, and that’s okay. Allow your spouse the time they need to engage in healthy communication).
Above all, allow your spouse grace when the going get’s tough and recall that you are on the same team. Communication can bring you closer or push you farther apart, use it to your advantage!
5. Be Romantic
This one is the most fun! There are lots of ways to be romantic and what a better way to use these final months as a two-some than to enjoy a second honeymoon-phase! Go on a trip together (babymoon, anyone?), dance around the kitchen, do LOTS of date nights (check out my post on fun at home date night ideas), dress up for each other, anything you can do to fuel the flame! And in doing these things, do your best to talk about something other than what you want to name the baby or how to decorate the nursery (though this is extremely difficult to avoid). Make it a priority to give each other LOTS of undivided attention, because soon that attention will be very divided (and will remain that way for the next 18+ years). Life is about to get a bit more serious and busy, so use this time to enjoy your freedom and dance carelessly together!
More important now than ever is your foundation. From one set of new parents to another, I share this in hopes that you and your spouse or partner will enter into your exciting new season with a renewed love and respect for one another. And when in doubt, lift it up to the Lord.
Kelsie
